the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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