Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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