Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
