I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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