Pants 0. Shit 1.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
