My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
