im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You ruined the universe
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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