You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
