If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
