You just made me feel so damn special
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering