Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
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I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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