i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
