I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
