I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
