I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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