You can't special order awesome
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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