i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
