I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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