I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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