I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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