Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
