He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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