Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize