I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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