I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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