Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
