i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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