I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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