My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's official drugs can't kill me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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