Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
