What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
