Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My cat gives me a boner
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
