Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
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He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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