why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
