someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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