he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
