I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize