she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
