Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
