I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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