My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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