I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
