I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
