I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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