I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
