I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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