I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
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The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.