there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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