Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
