I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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