I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
