Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
