Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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