I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize