Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
